I have this issue that’s been keeping me from getting work done. My puppy has seen me working on scripts, producing comedy shows, swearing about work e-mails, reacting to the news etc., over the last few years, and now she associates me being at the computer with stress. And she thinks she needs to help me. She crawls between my legs, nudges my elbow with her snout, stands up with her front paws on the arm of my chair, and generally won’t leave me alone whenever I sit at my desk. Once she has my attention, she’ll lead me to the laser pointer or the door (where her harness is) and then do this HINT HINT move where she looks at an object, then at me, then makes a noise…. She’s telling me get off the computer and let’s go play.
So she’s constantly climbing all over me when I’m trying to get work done and it’s super annoying and slows me down but really, she’s not wrong. This is a bullshit meaningless world we’ve created and we should all spend less time in front of screens and more time at the dog park.
“Oh do you need a TRIGGER WARNING???”
“Yeah. I have PTSD and graphic discussions of assault often cause me to have flashbacks, panic attacks, dissociative episodes, my heart rate jumps and sometimes I can’t get it to go down for hours, and I have these overwhelming waves of fear and this fatigue, not a sleepiness, I mean I feel sleepy but like my body shuts down but I can’t sleep, I just have to be awake while this thing happens to me sometimes all day or for the rest of the week. I’ve missed work, struggled to make appointments, lost friendships and relationships, sometimes I can’t leave the house. I went 3 years without being able to cry and then I just started bawling at a scene in White Fang. It’s the one where the guy tells his wolf to leave because he’s going to San Francisco and he can’t bring a wolf to San Francisco (San Francisco is no place for a wolf). He yells at White Fang to go and he doesn’t understand, he’s a wolf. So he picks up a stick and White Fang fears sticks cuz he was held captive in a dog fighting ring and the handlers would hit his cage with a stick, so the guy’s trying to get him to leave, tears in his eyes, triggering the wolf’s PTSD, just yelling at his best friend who can’t understand what’s going on, he’s a wolf. So, I’m in therapy, like aggressive therapy where I have to keep reliving the event and writing about it to change my mind and body’s response to thoughts about the episode. And I meditate, and I exercise, and I have all these things that I do to work through this PTSD. But sometimes you can’t just walk into the fire because you have to go to work and you can’t be at work on fire, they’ll fire you. You’re right though, millenials are a bunch of whiny PC bitches. Anyway, sorry for inconveniencing you. I can tell you’re pretty sensitive about it.”
I just remembered awhile back I did a set for a bunch of crusty old veterans in the Sacramento area and I opened by not telling them I was a veteran, instead I said “Give it up for the comedians! The real heroes!” and I asked how many murderers were in the room.
The vets loved me and their wives hated me. (But they all loved my jokes about bad VA health care.)
Also the magician headlining tried to get the host to light me early. Yes, he tried to get me, a VETERAN among his own people, off the stage early, any time something I said wasn’t met with uproarious approval, because he was scared he’d go up and have to win a crowd with his hack garbage.
The night did reinforce the difference between anti-war San Francisco vets and pro-war, look-at-my-medals, I-still-matter, middle-California vets. I can handle both crowds and I love and empathize with both crowds but they’re not the same.
Anyway, this is one of the many times that someone has wanted me off the stage early on the same night that several people approached me afterwards to tell me how much they loved me. Fuck your safe, frictionless comedy.
People who’ve been to war can take a joke.
Super bummed out. I missed an appointment at the VA. It was an important one. I had to see 3 different doctors in San Francisco to get a diagnosis, do intake here in Sacramento, all to get referred to this clinic in Martinez, then they didn’t call me, so after waiting several weeks I had to call the San Francisco doctor and the clinic in Martinez to follow up. Then the appointment ends up being here in Sacramento… I knew about it, put it in my calendar, made sure I came home in between my 2 nights of shows in SF… and then I mixed up the time and missed the appointment.
I’ve had appointments that the VA didn’t notify me about. Like, at all. I’ve got notices in the mail saying “Your appointment has been cancelled” when they never told me about about the appointment in the first place. I’ve received appointment reminders the day after the appointment. One time a receptionist gave my appointment to a different Jason, luckily I noticed it on the card when I got home, he must have been surprised when he found out our appointment was cancelled.
But I’ve also missed appointments. Sometimes I’ve been in too much pain to sleep and ended up not functioning well enough to make it in the morning, or my health problems made me a little late and there was an accident that made me too late (if you’re 10 minutes late they cancel your appointment), etc. etc. But this one was just flat out on me, my fault, I blew it, and it sucks.
The biggest irony of VA Health Care is it favors the able of body and mind. People don’t need to see doctors because everything is perfect.
And when your mind is clear and you’re on top of your shit, you can unravel layers and layers of bureaucracy and incompetence, but you still have to make it to your appointment.